the paradoxical power of (self)doubt
Photo by Mike Horn Photography edited by Nadine Blochberger
Not once in my life I’ve met anyone who doesn’t feel it. Doubt.
Doubt belongs to all of us. It is a low frequency in the collective field which pressures us to evolve to a higher level of consciousness. Makes it a positive force in driving evolution.
Doubt seeps into everything we do. Creatively, it can both cause us to shy away from something that scares us, and equally prevent us from making big mistakes.
But what about those confident looking successful businesspeople and influencer? Well, I used to think they never doubt themselves. Yet, if you start looking behind the facade, exactly those often feel an extra portion of self-doubt. They just cover it up and compensate it through the projection of overconfidence. And if they don’t doubt themselves in the area of business, they do it in another area, like relationships.
Strangely, for a feeling so prevalent in our day-to-day lives, it’s rarely talked about. And if so, only behind closed doors. Meekly. And even then, it’s not a conversation, only naming its existence.
But how does it feel? (I’ll explore that further down in this essay)
Doubt is part of my life since a noticeably young age. Deep ingrained in my psyche, I have been on the permanent search for the meaning of life. Untypically, seeking answers to questions such as “Why am I existing? How did we as a species get here? What happens after death?” Most of my life I was afraid of death. Afraid of the black nothingness. I doubted the theory that this life on earth is all there is, and we disappear into nowhere. No. there must be more than this. The older I grow I never gave up believing life goes on after we are leaving our body suit.
Consistently switched on, the thinker inside me asking all those brilliant questions sits in the strategic and logical left brain. It has made me a weird kid. I remember feeling quite different compared to other children my age. Do kids at age 8 usually ask those questions? Today, 30 years later, as a student of life, I know some of my pressing questions are not even mine. They belong to the collective consciousness field, not all are relevant to and must be answered by me. There are here to inspire others. That realisation has been a huge relief.
Doubt is the breeding ground for innovation
I doubt that doubt ever goes away. Doubt challenges our personal and world views. That’s what scientist do, they see, read or hear things, and questioning the validity to find the Truth behind it. Whatever they find or invent doesn’t mean it is the Truth. It is merely a constant mental pressure that tries to resolve the feeling of uncertainty and find a logical explanation. Something our mind can grasp. Mental anxiety can arise as our need to have an answer to life's pressing questions increases. We feel unsettled inside, search for mental certainty, and adapt certain beliefs and values which build a barrier against the doubt inside our minds.
Our mind has a trickster personality. It pushes things to a limit. Over exaggerates. Blows things up. But so often it’s just not true. It makes us fearful. Anxious. Mind cannot find answers to its own questions. And if it cannot find it, it will construct its own reality. Hence dogmas and ridged believes are born. To end the uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty.
The quality and results of our lives today show us our unconscious belief systems.
Doubt is not the enemy. Our fear of uncertainty needs to be recognized and integrated. Mind is not the enemy neither. We just rely too much on it. It’s a great tool for research, study, and taking in information. I love my receptive mind. Its above average smart. Feeds on intellect and impression. It knows things I don’t even know that I know it until someone asks or initiates me. It’s amazing to watch. Whatsoever this greatness, I just stopped giving him my decision-making authority and being obsessed to find all answers. Of course, he rebelled against the fact that he does not sit in the driver’s seat anymore. But slowly, slowly he capitulated to my heart and be its servant. Each knows its role; they work in coherence now.
On this planet, everything is moving and flowing. Everything is in a state of constant change. As such, I think it’s logical and sensible to remain open to doubt; to maintain a state of fluidity.
We need to doubt everything. We have to unlearn the learned.
We should doubt the educational history books: they contain lies and selected truth through fabricated stories. We should doubt what politicians tell us: they behave inhuman, are fallible, driven by megalomanic ambition over the good and service to the whole. We should doubt the messages we receive in the media: they are biased, mouthpieces for the billionaires who own the outlets. We should doubt the pretty pictures and texts on social media: the platforms are susceptible to fear based manipulation. We should doubt the obsessive work of scientist to make humans immortal: they have lost their connection with themselves and broke the vow with nature trying to play God no matter the consequences.
Sometimes, we should doubt our friends, our families, our situations and ourselves. Not, to shame, breed conflict and separation, but to question the realness, honesty, and integrity of those connections and our own values, decisions, actions and directions.
And what this world urgently needs is people and a culture who asks better questions. We need to raise a culture of rethinking and open windows of healthy scepticism.
Those who ask critical questions are not the enemy. It’s those who lost touch with the wonder of imagination and resist change due to their own fears and paradigms who are complicit to a control-based society.
We can all benefit from doubt. The healing agent is inquiry. As inquiry leads us out of the state of mental cloudiness and confusion and through receptiveness it paves the pathway into the world of imagination. Which eventually reveals truth. Doubt seeks for Truth. The search for logic lies outside of what we can comprehend with our mere thinking. It comes as an illumination. A spontaneous thought. A revelation. An insight. You can’t grasp truth or understand it mentally. You just know. But for that to happen we have to be in alignment with our hearts.
The moment I started doubting my life
Doubt doesn’t want to harm me. It is a guiding light, a signpost pointing in neon pink colour “LOOK HERE”. And if I don’t get it, if I don’t stop and listen, it comes around harder, more brutal, it sweeps me of my feet, punches me into the face and knocks me down. Doubt is a wake-up call. Not only once during my life I needed a big drama, something, or someone I had to lose, a car accident, or a shock moment so I could hear the call and adjust my direction.
Looking back; I could have had many reasons to feel good about my life. I had a fairly good job, earned above average salary, had some nice friends, an incredibly beautiful flat in a cool city, a decent car. Yet, something was missing. Being fully honest with myself, I buried myself into busy activities and the safety net of the acceptance of others. I had friends but felt lonely inside. I experienced fun but had not much joy in anything. I was stressed out and often depressive. My body looked healthy, but it wasn’t. I lived with my body, but not in it. I felt cold, numb, empty, did not feel myself. I wore mask, a lot of mask, at times, even a false sense of smile. If someone asked me how I felt I said fine, but it was a lie. I played roles, the manager, the friend, the daughter, the strong woman.
Conformed to fit in the system - I was hiding my true self. Combat by fear of rejection I was doing what everyone else was doing. Suppressed my needs to avoid conflict. Trying to be a good human. “Behave. Don’t step out of the line. You’ll get punished for that”, said the voice in my head. Afraid of feeling inadequate and unable to fulfil my own expectations made me nervous. My inner world was planted with self-doubt, anxiety and unworthiness. I had no one to talk to. I believed no one would understand and see me as weak or crazy.
All those fears in my mind: I was afraid of not being good enough, of not belonging anywhere, of feeling alone all my life, of failure. I was afraid of authorities and being criticized and rejected. I was afraid of being seen. But my inner critic, the thinker, my doubt did not stop to ask questions: What am I doing here? Is that really what life is all about? How can I feel alive? Who is the love of my life?
I realized it’s exhausting to hide parts of myself. I was done willing to pay that price. I didn’t want to feel drained anymore. I didn’t want to feel that emptiness is all life has to offer, not being connected to the life force of my body. There came the day when I decided to not want to look back when I’m old and only see unhappy moments and missed life opportunities. I made a choice to seed harmony and connection with myself, to others. I decided against drama and depression. I chose to experience more delight. I chose to feel. Everything. Good or intense. I chose to understand others. I chose to be gentle with myself. I chose to stand up and use my power for the greater good.
I learned it’s not about an easy life but a life of ease. An adventurous life of being and simple living. Whatever that means to each one of us.
We all should doubt and question our own lives more. I believe, life gives us a choice:
1. Waiting until a drama occurs in our life. Severe illness, near death experience, losing someone or something of value. A loud wake-up call. And it won’t be a pleasant experience. You can’t control it.
2. We can inquire within. Is that the life we want to live? Is that the right direction to go? What is my purpose and direction? How do I want my world and the planet to look like even when I’m gone? Is greed and ignorance the answer to our problems? That’s the gentle way. You can control it.
That choice is yours.
I ask myself, why are we in this meat suit called body if we do not seem to connect with it? We must miss something here. Over the years, I noticed it is an instrument to be fine-tuned, not an outlet for other people’s pleasure release.
Can we start to inhabit our bodies? It is not a lifeless suit of meat, water and blood. It is an energetic vessel of love, mystery, and vibrant power. A complex structure of communicating cells. Yet perfectionated wholistic self-healing system.
When doubt turned inwards for too long it becomes self-doubt
Self- Doubt. It rips my heart apart. Its ocean deep. My core wound.
To me, it feels like a black hole pulling me into the darkest depths of the ocean. Draining, eating me from inside out. If I doubt myself, I feel lonely. If I feel lonely, I doubt myself and tend to isolate even more. It’s a vicious cycle.
I don’t go into a roller coaster of emotions when I feel doubt. I freeze. I feel unease and tension in my body, unworthy. No motivation, overwhelmed, numb, I can’t move. I feel blind, can’t see clearly. Shallow breathing. Everything feels hard, hanging in there for too long it used to become the start of a depression.
Self-doubt feels like terror. It’s a voice that not even sound like mine. A psychic, emotional and physical attack on my whole existence. Feeding on fears and own illusions.
I missed many opportunities in life because I thought: What will other people think of me. Do they accept me? Do they value me? Am I welcome? I’m just a small light. What impact can I as single individual have?
It used to hurt me bitterly when someone close to me disappeared out of my life without warning, without saying a word or reason why. I started doubting myself. Over and over. Like an old, scratched record. What did I do wrong? Have I said something to upset the person? What parts of me are not likable or lovable?
My energetic sensitivity went so far that I used to think something is wrong with me and I need to change, until I figured out it was not my own energy I picked up on, but other people’s doubt, fear, shame, confusion and collective unease.
Self-doubt separates us. From others. But even more from ourselves. If we suppress it or identify with it, it becomes destructive. Whatever we do or say it feels it’s never enough. It stops trusting our own inherent creativity.
There is a part of me who wishes I would have not wasted so much time on doubting myself. At the same time, I know, all happened as it should be. This IS my individual journey. And I am proud of myself that I have listened to the many signs and wake-up calls.
We doubt ourselves because we are not ourselves in the first place.
We wear mask. Literally and metaphorically. We pretend to be someone who we think we should be. Some people even like to wear a double or triple layer mask.
Self-doubt used to confuse the heck out of me. But on the flip side, this almost imploding inner pressure to find an answer to my mental anxiety and questions, it has driven my personal evolution to levels I never thought possible. And it keeps going. What a ride! I developed my true personality. Got rid of almost everything which is not my true self. (I say almost because it’s still in progress)
Confusion happens when we cannot see our inner flame, the inner light, inner glow of our inherit being and existence. If we don’t know who we are and what makes our life worth living. And it leads to self-doubt.
This whole world is confused. Confusion lies in front of our eyes like a black velvet veil, we look for illumination somewhere outside ourselves. Yet, wonder why we never find it. The more we try to deal with confusion the further we doubt ourselves. It’s a bio feedback loop.
We play hide and seek with ourselves. Think we are helpless. Our false sense of dependency keeps us unconsciousness. We humans are dulled, ignorant, we want it easy and fast - megalomaniac obsessive thinkers. Too much thinking is our dilemma. When will we understand that some things we only can feel?
How I learned to deal with nagging self-doubt
Uncovered, I doubt myself because I do not feel safe in my body. We were taught to rely on our head and believe its stories and narratives so much that we are identifying with it but playing a disservice to our bodies. We disconnect.
It all started with my birth. It was complicated, and if the odds wouldn’t have been in my favour I might not be here now. And that wasn’t enough. Due to these circumstances, as a baby I got put into an incubator for about 3 weeks. Meaning, my first life experiences were the feelings of “I DOUBT it is safe to be here and I am ALONE and NOT WANTED, NOT LOVED” got stored into the DNA of my little vulnerable body.
These thought patterns ran the show like a red thread through my whole life and made many situations more difficult. Resulting in me feeling not good enough. Not beeing seen. That led to lacking confidence, constantly comparing myself, thinking others are better than I. In return that led to heavy periods of procrastination and loneliness.
I took years of my life of deconditioning, to clear my doubts and fears. It wasn’t easy. I searched for answers and found solutions. I received my truth. Now, I can see gaps and patterns, the injustices of life. I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid of death. I confronted it. Because I spend far too many years already dead, by not being my true self. Hiding.
Trust is missing. It’s not the fear of death. It’s the fear of living which holds us back. It’s the fear of our own unique genius, the powerful potential lying dormant inside us. Like the coal hides the diamond. Like the oysters hides the precious pearl. We are afraid of what is possible and that it goes against all what we have learned. Mind cannot escape itself and feeds its own illusions, so our true potential is never lived.
And I ask: How can I trust myself and my body?
What if I thought everything was true, is in fact a lie?
I started to doubt those stories and beliefs in my head accumulated through childhood, I’m tired of feeling I am not participating in this life. I feel exhausted of hiding parts of me. So, I decided to invite my self-doubting aspects for a cup of tea to sit with me and talk. I thank them for protecting me, and that I got this now. I tell them, I don’t want to feel like the game of life is on, but I am sitting on the bench. I want to play. And feel alive.
I had to learn before I can find the love of my life, I need to know how to accept, trust and love myself first.
I had to learn that only I can give me the feeling of safety I am craving for in my body, to be in this world.
It is fascinating how much my self-perception has changed. A noticable shift I witness by looking at photos of myself from 3-5 years ago that I used to reject or hate. Today, I can look at them with soft eyes and gentleness and see my own beauty. And as I can see it in myself, I see it in others.
Although most of those feelings are in retrospective, self-doubt still haunts me from time to time. Anxiety can cloud my vision until this day. However, I learned how to channel self-doubt into curiosity and scepticism into inspiration. When used for outward creative expression of any kind it becomes a remarkable force.
Doubt and genuine inquiry show me again and again to trust myself and be with integrity what I believe and know is true. It tests me. And I care so much about the wellbeing of this Earth and all their inhabitants that I started to stop caring what other people think of me. Because I realized, this life is not just about me. For me, this life is not an ego trip.
Apart from that, most people are so self-obsessed they don’t even realise others existence and watch what others do. So, the belief we are at the centre stage of life is pure vanity.
Once I zoomed out and see things from a bird’s eye view, I understood I am not self-employed; I am employed at the biggest company on Earth. And a higher energy, source, the creator is guiding me to execute my role. Once I saw things from that perspective, self-doubt started to vanish. I felt the importance of me showing up as myself and fulfil my job, serving for the greater good of all. And followed the calling.
Of course I ask myself, is this world ready to receive me? I used to doubt it. Yet, life proved me wrong.
I learned; life is never against us. It is us fighting against life. Life is as ready for us, as we are ready to live.
If there would be one thing I like to have done differently: talk to someone, ask for help. As soon as I noticed I’m struggling how to deal with unpleasant emotions. I believe, we are not here to struggle all the way alone. I believe, we are here to walk each other home.
And if there is no one around, these are some tools which support me on my path:
Sit in silence, nature, breathe, relax
Connect with my body, move my body
Trust my creative inspirations
Own my self-doubt, doubt my self-doubt, channel doubt into divine doubt
self-inquire, ask a curious question to become self-aware
means remain open without needing to find an answer
Be more playful
Channel it away from my personal life and allow it into service
Inquire about something around me that I like to improve
Assess life objectively, write down all my emotional beliefs and paradigms (what I should, shouldn’t, not allowed to, can, can’t do,…)
I am determined to expand my awareness this lifetime as much as its possible.
Use doubt as empowerment. Question everything. Everything. All the things you just accept because our society lives that way.
I inquire: Maybe Doubt is Truth?
And guess what – I will not try to answer this question with my mind.
Now, as I’m at the beginning to understand what embodiment really means.
As a Mentor and Advisor, Artist and Writer, I rely on doubt.
It’s the fuel for my creative process.
Inquiry makes sure it remains fluid.
Divine doubt is my inspiration.