Reflections on self-worth, people pleasing and the feeling of not being good enough

Over the last two weeks, this is a topic coming up in my personal life (once again) and I see it everywhere around in the collective field. People asking for guidance, so I feel it is a good moment to reflect and share my perspective, experience and personal story.

*NOTE: Some language I use might not makes sense for many of you as I refer to two holistic “systems”, Human Design & Gene keys, I work with for my own self-development and alignment of my life path and that of my clients. Take what resonates and leave the rest yet stay open and curious. *

When we investigate our HD & GK charts, there are quite a few frequencies to be found in gates, keys and lines that indicate the reason why many of us struggle with self-worth, people pleasing & the feeling of not being good enough.

Speaking Human Design language, we have a defined, undefined or completely open heart (ego / will) centre.

Most people have an undefined Ego (65%), amplifying other peoples' ego / will / self-worth energy and lived out without awareness. Making it a challenging dynamic for themselves and within the dynamic and interactions of people with a defined ego.

Neither is the ego bad, nor is the heart good. Both hold the potential to be healthy and unhealthy.

Ego means a sense of “I” in the body. The ego is physically oriented and recognizes the value in physical and material matters when it is healthy. Ensuring that we have everything that we need while we are incarnated in the body. A healthy (open or defined) heart (ego / will) centre acknowledges that we have a body with physical needs, and it values those needs. It values the things that help to fulfill the basic needs of human beings. It values the physical practical realm of life.

I belong to the latter category, totally open heart (ego / will) center  – no hanging gates, nothing, just empty whiteness.

So, to speak, it’s my playground. It has unlimited potential. It’s the student and the teacher.

What does that mean to have a completely open-heart centre?

In the past I found it almost impossible to recognize my worth, I didn’t feel good enough or believed that I deserve blessings, love and abundance in all ways.

Since I can think of, I have been struggling with low self-worth that I had to heal. Well, that’s what I thought. Thanks to the Human Design System that came to me in May 2016, I know better now: To be more precise, I don’t have a reference point inside me to measure my self-worth and know what it really means. It seems not my theme. It doesn’t even feel important. It is beyond ego. I ask myself, what is self-worth? What does it really mean? Do people understand? Do I really have an ego? Or is it the projection of others and the energies I absorb?

It’s interesting to me, I don’t have a real sense of “I”. It feels like dissolving in everything and everyone. I get the sense of “I “ when I am with or observing other people, get a reference point through them. Meaning, there will always be inconsistency in my own sense of self-worth. One day I feel like the Leo Queen, on others I just want to hide under my blanket all day as I feel ridiculously small.

Accepting the inconsistency, learning how to live with and laugh about it is the key. It is just a mechanic, an experience, nothing to worry about.

I used to allow other people to treat me horribly. I accepted to be shamed, talked over, tossed around, emotional and mentally beaten up. I soaked it all up, stored in my body causing some health issues, leaving an imprint on my soul. So, I guess it is about finding our values, our own boundaries what we are willing to take, accept and let in to our life.

Through finding out what doesn’t feel good to me, away from ego and resentment, but from a place of purity, sovereignty and love, I started to realize and transform my worth.

I used to have very full packed TO-DO- LISTS that are literally unachievable within 24 hours thinking I can do all of that, but I don’t have the energy to “power through” things, my motivation comes in pulses and bursts, it is unpredictable and not available all the time. During a burst I feel energized and mighty, then I have to rest. Without consistent access to will power, it’s very unhealthy to use pure will all the time, it burns my adrenals and puts way to much stress into my nervous system and disrupts my digestion, immune system and emotional wellbeing.

Learning to not compare myself with others how fast they get things done, give myself much more time to complete a task and doing less a day changed everything for me.

Today, I start to understand what it really means, the Not-Self theme of the heart (ego / will) centre - to prove yourself. I was over giving and overextending myself thinking I have to give and do 3x more than others are expecting of me just so they see my value. Often it was subtle, but still the urge to prove myself to be a perfect partner, a good roommate, daughter, friend or employee has been underlying. Seeking approval, pleasing others to avoid rejection. I have given too much in my work with people because I wanted them to have as much value as they can during our sessions together. Giving, giving, giving. I thought that shows how much I care. Until I realized I overwhelmed people. And by doing that, degrading myself. It was too intense. They barely could breathe and digest all that information and energy. And I didn’t breathe neither.

Learning to set boundaries and knowing my energy levels, slowing down, to pause, and really be present served myself, my clients and collaborators tremendously.

I often judged myself by the standards of society (false standards), felt lost and like a failure. Not living up to expectations. So I tried harder, feeling even more like a failure. We live in a society that entraps us to be richer, prettier, more famous, faster, more active, more this and that. The feeling of not being good enough causes the need to improve myself, seeking ways how to become better  - but it is a trap. With an open Ego, I can get easily trapped in a vicious cycle of overachieving. People pleasing and saying yes to things although my stomach is crunching. Gosh what a deep and painful conditioning!

Learning, I don't need to forcefully work on myself. Life always brings me opportunities for self-growth, such as it brings those opportunities to everyone. Do I lean in and listen to the call? That’s the question.  

Learning that there is nothing wrong with me, no change to be enforced in order to become better, rather to explore myself and life without pressure. Problematic themes and patterns that hold me back from living my full potential change through my regular self-reflection. All that is needed is awareness and patience with me. Pressuring myself to be better is counterproductive.

I do not have to prove or improve anything in order to be worthy – I am valuable just because I exist. No one is here to live according to other people's expectations; we are all here to live our uniqueness. That doesn’t mean this is a free pass to be a ruthless, self-absorbed, heartless asshole, it is the opposite – from that place of worthiness, living and operating from that lens, I can build and gather wisdom and move from a place of pain to empowerment.

There are not only suffocating aspects with an undefined / completely open heart (ego / will) centre. It has a huge potential to offer:

The thing I found out about myself when correctly tuned into my beingness, centred from a place of softness and strength, undistracted from the energies around me, that I feel a deep sense of peace and love.

I have a truly open heart (literally in that case ) Meaning I know how it feels to undervalue yourself and can support others who feel that way. Because I take in other people's Ego and amplify the frequency, I can feel who has a healthy sense of self-worth and "I" - and who has not. I see when someone is in their Not-Self, who is able to keep their promises, and who is just talking empty phrases. I can see who puts unhealthy expectations and demands on others, who can be trusted or not.

I am a selfless person, in a world that is anything but selfless. Giving and sharing to prove he or she is good enough.

I might not always know what’s of value to me, but I know it for the other. I am open to feel, see and sense the value of other people and can meet them with compassion. I use discernment and judgement to find out their intentions if they are valuable to me and if I am to them. I have a deep sense of not wasting anyone’s energy and time if it really doesn’t match or add value to one or both parties.

My heart (ego / will) centre shows me where to spend money on and where not to as I can see the worth of material things and activities. I also have the ability to know the correct timing when, into what projects and people to put my will into practice. Well, most of the time. Again, it can be inconsistent.

Learning to not give up on people and dreams when I know its worth it, although it feels painful at times but seeing a huge potential for my own growth and that of others. On the other hand, learning when to give up and let things and people go. I see my open Ego as a blessing: I do not have the willpower to carry through what is not meant to be for me. Instead, focus on what it is that is REALLY meant for me and what gets me all excited.

The dynamic between an open and defined heart (ego / will centre). How to engage, interact and live with each other?

Observing the language patterns of a defined and open-heart centre is fascinating to me. It couldn’t be more different at times. Where the open-heart centre is lacking self-worth, the defined people have an extra portion on top. You hear a lot of “I” and “it’s all about me” terminology through a defined ego centre. Very self-centred. My needs first. Which is not a bad thing, yet if unhealthy often displayed as if no one else would exist around them.

Honestly, it feels utterly disturbing when I see a person with an inflated ego. Thinking “ I am the best thing walking on earth and everyone should see it”. I can feel the inauthenticity and unreflectedness. It is very painful to me. And yet I have the ability to meet those people with love and an open heart in an unattached way. Sometimes thinking if only everyone with an open heart (ego / will) centre would have a slice of 10% of this, we wouldn’t have to struggle with self-worth issues on this planet!

My self-confidence can also be inflated when being in the company of a defined Ego, especially with someone who is very reactive in nature. If I am not balanced and centred enough in that moment I might easily get pumped up to a level where I seem like a dragon to others amplifying and reflecting their reactive nature back to them. I might get into ego fights, competition, and power struggles. The other person thinking it’s me, but its them in an amplified version. Leading to resentment, abandonment and rejection.

In those moments, it is important for me to remember that I have nothing to prove and that relationships are not battlefields where one wishes to be first and win a prize. It’s not. Relationships are not about winning; they are about seeing each other and building intimacy and connection.

Learning that, only if I keep my heart open and stop playing in the battle, understanding and healing can take place between two people. When I soften my heart, I invite the other one to do the same.

This can be more difficult when tough emotions like anger are coming up. An angry defined ego person can make me feel ashamed, hopeless not feeling good enough. Depleting my whole energy. Sucking the lifeforce out of me. Making it even more challenging to keep my heart open and loving.

Learning that it takes time and practice and the need to set boundaries as I notice when defined heart centre people try to put pressure on me. They want it now, whenever they want it, push their will. And I am happily giving my time, last cent, anything away even if they are not nice to me. I give. I am willing to give, but I had to learn, to figure out who is worthy of it, on my terms. Who values the love and value I give, who sees my benefit and gifts? Who not?

Discerning who and what is correct for me. They don’t see me, they don’t trust me – there is nothing I can do but letting go. Having patience but not waiting that one day they might will.

By now I can laugh about myself caught in the net of the other peoples defined ego and will. Feeling (mostly) relaxed as I am. It is a pleasant experience with someone who has a healthy defined ego centre. I can see the benefits and ask: What can I take in from the other? See and learn?

I learned we don’t always have to react to everything, we don’t always have to respond and prove we know better than the other. What if we can keep this higher knowing to ourselves and trust the other will heal that way?

How can I be the mirror without acting on it and by doing this become a source of wisdom?

Wisdom in the end is transcended knowledge that not always has to be expressed.

Dear defined heart (ego / will ) centre people, you have so much power. With great power comes great responsibility. The power that you have been given is willpower. Please use it wisely.

In your Not-Self frequency you can make me feel worthless when I am not. You are prideful and over-identify with the body you are in and with the persona you live out in this life.

When you start to have a healthy "I", your defined Ego will broadcast this and empower others to find their own healthy sense of "I". Not only will you find your own worth, but you will also have impact in showing other people their worth. You will become less involved in willpower-struggles. Life will flow more smoothly.

Please only promise things that you can keep and that are correct for you. This establishes a feeling of trust in me. You can be firm and sturdy, but at the same time, please don’t pressure me to do or say anything that doesn’t feel good to me in that moment.

How can you value other human beings as much as you value yourself as a human being? How can you appreciate the value of other people's contributions?

You have such wonderful gift that really lift people up and help them find their worth. We undefined ego people would love to learn from you. We are not weak. Can you accept that we are different?

If you have a defined, undefined or totally open heart (ego / will) centre - never forget – Awareness changes everything.

Be humble in the face of your own inadequacies.

Be gentle with yourself. Healing comes in layers.