People with good intentions make promises, but people with good character keep them.

This topic is heavy on my chest and I can’t hold back longer to not speak about it.

I don’t know where to start. Other than that, I feel a deeply collective disappointment.

Disappointed about the fact that people make promises and don’t keep them.

We see that in every area of life.

After a date, the guy says “I’ll call you” – and he never does.

At work a colleague or manager says “I’ll send you this now .. / connect you with xxx…” – and she never does.

A job recruiter says “I’ll have an answer on that by next week” – and he never does.

A potential client says “I’ll come back to you on this within the next days” – and she never does.

A friend says “I am happy to help you with this” – and he never does.

In partnerships your spouse says “I’ll do this soon” – and she never does.

As a kid your mom / dad says “I’ll promise to be home by xxx, so we can play together” - and she / he never does.

… and there is another perspective: You tell yourself “I will stop that unhealthy habit / leave that relationship” - and you never do.

People ghost people. People ignore people. For no apparent reason.

In my point of view, a phenomenon of our modern time and one of the most disrespectful human behaviour.

Watching this habit in people consciously since about a decade, I asked myself over and over again: what are people’s motives? Their motives to voice a promise but then never follow through with actions.

Is it bad intentioned? Is it carelessness? Has the value of integrity been buried in soil?

Yes, there are indeed people who don’t give a damn thing how they make other people feel and couldn’t care less for its consequences. But I do not believe that this is true for the majority of people in our societies.

Over the years I realized most people don’t mean to break their word by sheer ill will. I believe most people are so tremendously caught up in their busy life. Overwhelmed with responsibilities and the uncertainty of what comes next. Overstimulated through social media and daily news content. Distracted by the overconsumption of lifestyle products from all directions. Consequently, they either bluntly forget that - and what - they promised someone or don’t see it as a priority in their daily schedule. So, they postpone and delay.

As time passes by the task on their to-do-list moves from week to week and month to month to make this call or write this Email to tell the other person they are no longer interested in getting to know each other, that the service is not what they are looking for, that they do not have the money or something happened out of the blue and the decision making process is frozen until further notice.

And instead of communicating honestly what is on their mind, a status quo of the project people just ghost and say nothing. They seem to disappear indefinitely, swallowed by a black hole. As if the previous relationship and conversations never have happened. Just like that. How rude!

The core problem is communication. What keeps us from speaking freely? It’s rooted in fear. We worry about ruffling feathers or how others will receive us, so we buy time by ghosting – keeping silent and procrastinate to reach out. Until so much time went by that we wish the ugly situation dissolves itself or hopefully the other person forgets about it. No offence, but that’s called emotional immaturity.

As a highly self-reflective person I asked myself: Is it just me being overly sensitive?

The answer is: No. It’s not just me. I know there are many people feeling the same pain but either stuffing it down, letting the frustration and disappointment eating their soul from inside out and start resenting the person, disengaging from the relationship by not calling or texting again. Others verbally vomit expressing anger, blaming, shaming, abusing or screaming at the person who is not fulfilling the promise. Either way, they become the offender in return.

Having an honest conversation with myself, I have also broken promises to myself. How often did I say “be more kind to yourself, start that project, stop that behaviour, trust in yourself”…. and I didn’t.

I’ve also been pondering, when in my life have I been disappointing others? – and yup, I too have, big times. A couple of times probably. I made promises which I didn’t kept, resented people for not keeping their promises and maybe even ghosted people. We are not only the victim but also the perpetrator.

But by observing myself and others in all my relationships across the board, work, partnership, and family I learned to stop cheating on myself and others, don’t take broken promises personal and how to become a better communicator and break the pattern over time. Upleveling and personal growth happend after I made the decision to change, though it hasn’t been an overnight success story. I gave myself time and committed to practice.

As someone who has suffered from anxiety and depression, I understand that it is not easy to reach out to someone expressing your feelings when guilt is creeping you out. Guilt of not have kept your word or failed to deliver on an agreement.  

You might feel bad and disappointed about yourself for reacting that way, but can we please stop this ignorance!? Can you put yourself in other people’s shoes and see things from their perspective? How do YOU feel when someone doesn’t keep their promises and instead ignores or ghosts you?

If a recruiter asked me to apply for a job and I wait for the answer he promised to give, the project always runs in the back of my mind and I expect a yes or no to be able to manage my time and juggle other projects. If a friend offers her support, I trust she will make it happen and I leave it to her - no pressure. If she is not following through with the action, I do lose trust and connection. If you are unsure if you can keep your promise, stop making one and say that you try your best but can’t promise it. On the other hand, if I have forgotten something I have promised I like to be gently reminded by you.

You not taking responsibility makes everything worse.

It is ok to make a mistake.

It is ok to forget things.

It’s ok to not answer immediately.

It is ok to mess up from time to time.

You are still enough.

But it is NOT ok to let other people hanging because of that.

Your anxiety that people get angry and reject you in most cases is an illusion by your own mind. I personally value open honest communication, to receive an update of how you feel and what’s going on in your life and why things might take longer than anticipated.

If you value this too, here are some ideas we can use to avoid disappointing people and communicate respectfully and effectively. Don’t use this as an excuse – take responsibility and honestly admit what’s going on, pick up the phone and say or write in an Email / message something down the line like …

“Dear xxx, apologize for not have sent you an answer / project plan / the quote in time, life came in between and something important came up in my private life…”

“Hi xxx, thank you for your patience, still waiting for my answer. Unfortunately, the budget has not yet been allocated due to xxx. Let’s keep in touch so I can keep you posted by when we expect a decision. I understand if you look for other projects. Is there anything I could do for you in the meantime?...”

“I know I have been promised to help you, but I currently go through a rough time and not feeling well. I hope you understand that I do not have the energy to do xxx. I want to do it with my full heart as soon as I feel better.”

“Hello xxx, it was nice meeting you and you are great person. But I don’t feel this is working out between us. I thought about our conversations and realized our values and view on life are too different. Thank you for taking the time to meet me. Wish you all the best….”

“I know I said I would like to collaborate with you on that project. But I made a mistake. I decided out of euphoria and realized later my plate is full of other commitments and I am afraid I cannot handle it all. It is overwhelming me. Would you be willing to reengage in a few weeks or months to talk about this further?...”

Keep your promises or don’t make some. Stop disappointing people. Start communicating.

By doing that we build true intimate relationships on all levels. It serves everyone. The people who do not understand or accept your honesty might project certain behaviours onto you and potentially do not belong into your life anyways.