The Art of effective Communication

Art by Banksy & photo by Tam Gaitan

The power of communication

Already as a young girl I noticed that the way human beings communicate has a tremendous effect on the behaviour, decisions, and actions we take. And ultimately a huge impact on our wellbeing. Through observing the way my family, friends, teachers, schoolmates, strangers on the street, even my cat or dog and later my bosses, colleagues and clients are interacting with me and myself with them; I came more and more to the realization of the innate power of communication.

Communication is a form of Art, but what is it actually? What does it comprehend?

Communication is not only the spoken word, the text messages we send to each other or the books we read; its liberating the deepest insights through writing, talking, painting, creating music, dancing, design fashion or concepts, dressing up, developing a new style of company, foster new values and help create a new culture on this planet.

Yet, it encompasses far more than that. It also impacts how we live and behave in our relationships, raise our families, build our businesses, live our truth, and sculpt ourselves so that we can live a life that feels meaningful to us. Constantly through our whole way of energetically being and existence.

It is highly complex, but paradoxically so simple as soon as we understand the reason why we need to communicate with each other and what it does to us.

We need to communicate, because we want to feel a sense of belonging, a survival archetypical instinct. Looking at our social systems which subsist of certain elements like food, shelter, community behaviour and their relation to each other. Held alive or die through communication. It is the soft essence.

We can act by ourselves, but not communicate

It’s a two-way street between at least two living beings; one who “sends” the information or message and the other who “receives” it. It’s a process which continues, it barely ends. It is a happening that has already past when it happened. In case you wonder why that is, because communication is a form of decision making process.

Before we even be able to articulate what, we try to say or do, our left part of the brain, the limbic brain, our cognitive unconscious mind, has been activated. That’s the part where all our emotions and memories of emotions from our senses and experiences are stored. Therefore, our decision of how and what to articulate gets made 4 x faster compared to our conscious mind, which is called the neocortex. Our so called “gut feeling”. Its feelings and emotions which tells us what to do or where to go; when we listen to it. Words are just the rational explanation of that decision. The ability to put in words why we do or say something provides emotional context for decisions, the highest level of confidence we can offer. That’s the little voice in ourselves saying “it feels right, or I know its right”. That’s biologically accurate, because gut decision happens in the part of our brain that controls emotions, not language.

Self-reflection is the key

The way we communicate and behave is a matter of self-reflection and how we respond to words and situations when someone is triggering us. The question is never why did he or she tries to hurt us or is saying or reacting that way. The real question is how we respond to all of it.

What we need to ask ourselves in any challenging situation why does it hurt, trigger or making me react that way? And the answer will most often not be obvious immediately, because we need to look deeper into buried childhood wounds, when we felt a lack of love or unworthiness from our parents, family members or friends. What can we discover there and bring up again, so it can heal for good?

Everyone in our life is a reflection of ourselves in some way. They keep mirroring back what we need to heal or what we already have inside us. And that is the exact point where the most misunderstandings and situationships are coming from, because we take so many things too personal. Our ego wants to protect us and rings an alarm bell in neon red colour when someone is triggering us because we get reminded when our parents not have been present, we felt unseen and unheard. So, we close up and build up walls. Most often we resent others and push them away. We naturally want to be heard, seen, appreciated, and valued. But when we take away personalisation and self-rigorous thinking out of the way and change our perception of the situation through seeing it from the meta outside perspective, eventually everything changes.

Communication emerges our reality

That means it’s a game where we so often try to create our own rules, but the rules apply to everyone. Its our motivations and intentions which define a positive or negative outcome plus the ability of the other party to receive our message. There are always two parties involved, the sender and the receiver. Our body communicates through biochemical processes, conscious through the form of language, through the brain part called neocortex, unconscious through thoughts and feelings in our limbic brain. What happens in our unconsciousness is the stored memory of events in our past which get brought to the forefront.

So, when an obvious smooth “normal” conversation is turning into a drama, basically means communication is broken, instead of a closed cycle of balanced or unified movement and exchange. The paradox, only through communication we can control or repair broken communication channels.

This is getting clear when we look e.g. within internal and external communication in companies. The leadership style builds the art of communication which returns in the effectiveness of the work and motivation of employee’s and their tangible results. The way a manager treats his employees is setting the tone of a company culture and their success in building relationships towards their clients and partners.

1000 words but nothing said

Probably the most known common channel of communication is language. Words are like little spells, they are very powerful. To effectively communicate we must choose them wisely. That does not mean we hold back, rather the opposite, is recommendable to always speak our inner truth, but be mindful about what, how and when we say it. Verbal language is tremendously powerful, for the good or for the bad.

To give you an example, I am certainly up for a good swear from time to time but noticed the excessive use of swear words like s*** and f*** around the world and especially on social media. Do we really have to use these words all the time to reinforce a statement or message?

It is, as always, the intention behind the words. What is the point of saying it? Yes, it slips off our tongue because we are used to say it or hear it all the time. But do we really want our kids to communicate consistently and only swearing language? Consider this perhaps, people and especially kids pick up behaviour and patterns as fast as the speed of light and get subconsciously programmed that this is the right way to do. And we influence this through our behaviour.

First, we need to become aware that it is important to communicate and say how we feel and what we want or don’t want. However, the questions here are always the same – what is my motivation? What is my intention with the words and message I send out? Where does it coming from? My ego, common sense, or experience? Is it true what I am saying or am I projecting?

The words we say matter

Through language we are most often not only tempting and provoking beautiful words, we rather unload emotions which suddenly arouse in that particular moment and mostly have nothing to do with the current person or circumstance. And then what happens?

Let’s look at one example of being in a relationship. A man and a woman have a conversation about whether going out that Friday night or not. He wants to go out with his friends, a bro night out only. She wants desperately to have him stay in at home and have a cosy romantic night just the two of them. The conversation heightens, the arguments get played like a ping pong tournament. And boooom! One of them, let’s say the woman in our scenario has an emotionally breakout, she is crying and being angry at the same time. And her man is totally blown away, in literally physically shock, because he doesn’t know what he has done wrong. It is such a common and reoccurring example in many relationships where communication is broken.

What is happening here exactly? The woman has placed demands and expectations of what she wants. She feels unloved or unworthy, because she thinks her man is saying he doesn’t love her enough to be with her at home. On top she feels angry, because he didn’t help her doing grocery shopping a week ago, although he promised, but was stuck, again, in the office longer. The woman lashing out with all her emotions is overwhelming for a man, because he, by design, is looking for rather stable emotions. The consequence of these behaviours is building up a wall of resentment towards each other and further emotional and physical withdrawal of usually the masculine energy or even both partners.

This is one example of plenty, but a perfect one to see what occurs when we don’t communicate properly. The truth is we are afraid to say what’s really going on inside of us, in our mind and body, because we are not sure how it is going to land onto other people and what their reactions might be. Surely it is an uncomfortable feeling to express our deepest thoughts and feelings, fears, and aspirations in the company of each other. We never learned it in school and rarely from our parents.

How to speak the truth

It’s a global wide spread fear to open our mouth and speak our truth. We are afraid to be truly seen, to seem unlovable, overly sensitive, or even crazy or dramatic when we speak our mind and feelings. All these bottling up of emotions results in unhappiness, judgement towards others and ourselves and therefore end up in potential depression when we are rarely aware of it. It’s a vivid cycle of self-destruction. Until we start to change perspectives and take the focus off ourselves and see situations when we feel hurt or get triggered by another - our spouse, best friend, parents, sibling, boss, or the guy on the street shouting at us for inexplicable reasons - as well from the other persons point of view. We need to take the others situation and state of feeling into consideration. Not just ours.

Life is not just turning around us.

So, what can we learn from this example of our man and woman in the relationship?

The essential point is don’t take things too personally, or not at all. It is not always about us. And in case no one told you yet, it is ok to feel your feelings. Allow them to come up. That means to be human. That is the human experience. What are these emotions trying to tell you? The anger, disappointment, frustration, sadness. There is, although in comes in disguise, a wonderful gift in every pain – it shows us the way to heal and uncover ourselves.

Talk compassionately with your emotions, like you would talk with a little kid. Give them love. Accept that they are here. Hug them gently. Allow yourself this experience and in your own present energy be mad or angry or sad, whatever you feel and then forgive them and yourself and release it. Than turn towards your partner and open your heart.

What we do not communicate cannot be integrated and influenced. Take a deep breath, tell your partner how you feel. Exactly in this moment. Be vulnerable, that is the vital key to be more intimate with one another and creating meaningful relationships. When we actively speak our truth, from the bottom of our heart, pour out our raw emotions, get ourselves naked in front of each other, the other eventually gets inspired to express what’s in his heart as well. It is not about blaming each other, not purely leashing out emotions, but genuinely saying how we feel. Then lean back, give space to the other and watch the magic starts to happen.

Keep in mind though, intimacy does not come from thinking emotions in our mind, but from feeling them in our body and then share them honestly. Before pouring everything unfiltered out, ask yourself this – How beneficial is what I am about to say for the other? Is it really necessary to say this? How does it impact the other in that moment? Does it benefit him? To verbalize the feeling start with getting clear why you want to say it. Is this the right moment to say it? Or can it wait until I calmed down?

(side note: do not get obsessed with it and operate from your mind, let the heart gently decide and speak)

Our voice matters

To reach the depth of the other person, the receiver of our information, it is not only important that we speak our truth and what we say, but even more how we say it. With our tone of voice, how we are stating feelings or information creates connection or disconnection. In fact, it’s mostly not the content, the what, the words itself, it’s the how which spices up the game and points the direction of the potential outcome of the communication. It’s the verbal tone and expression of our intentions which determines the elegance and flow. What is my goal in saying this? Is my intention pure and benevolent or ego driven? When we tune into our voices melody, the sound of our own words we create an environment of mutual understanding and eventually prevent misunderstandings.

Language is a code similar like our DNA. It’s a symbolic pattern about the depth of our emotions and thoughts. As we don’t have the exact same shared experiences in our lives, because each of us has a unique perception and different reality of the world, language comes the closest of how we can exchange our experiences.

Taking the responsibility of what and how we say things, is one part, the other part is leaning back and actively listen to what the other has to say. Ask yourself - What is the other trying to say? Does he really want to hurt or belittle me, or do I interpret his words based on what I want to hear or think?

Just when we actively listen with an open mind and heart, without assuming and interpretation what it might mean, a mature conversation can happen. In most conversations the active listening part is literally none existing – and that is the problem – we don’t pay attention. We usually interrupt the other, and it’s a monolog, instead of a dialog, because we are thinking about our next words and how we answer and share what is in our mind before the other one finished his sentence.

People do not primary remember what we say, but how we made them feel

Communication is not just about us. It is a two-way street or even a turnaround with several departure lines when multiple people or entities are involved. It is crucial to be present in the moment, even with an active mind and tight up schedule. Stop running to the next thing. Be there with someone. Slow down and be present mentally and physically. To acknowledge understanding, show interest and presence through occasionally nodding, turn the body towards the receiver or listener. Eye contact or smiling signals openness and receptiveness. Make the other feel we hear him out regardless if we agree or not, shows character.

To truly listen is a fantastic possibility to get to know the other person. We don’t learn something new by talking, we learn something new by listening.

Don’t we all want to be acknowledged and appreciated? Isn’t it respect we want most above all?

Arguing and disagreeing are two completely different things. When we argue it causes conflict and negative feelings. A person with integrity never puts others down for the way they feel or what they believe. Although we don’t have to agree on everything and everyone, but we depend on each other for survival. We starting to sense that our true vulnerability is a distrust of each other, and an ability to recognize truth and treat each other with respect when we disagree.  Stated simply, we need to learn how to get along with each other, our neighbours, other countries, and our planet. May we learn this lesson gently both personally and collectively or the hard way.

The choice is yours

At the end of the day, it is not up to us how another person is perceiving what and how we are saying things even with our best and purest intentions in mind. It is up to them and how to deal with the information. If someone overreacts or misunderstands us, after we did the best we can to express ourselves, it has most of the time nothing to do with us personally or what and how we said it, rather what is going on inside of the other person.

Telling the truth is not always pretty, and we cannot control the other persons reactions, but we can control ourselves and our behaviours. When we treat each other with respect, apologize genuinely when we are wrong or did a mistake, especially when we are disagreeing, a disastrous argument can turn into an enlightened lesson.

Without taking the time and effort to understand where the other is coming from and what are the reasons behind a reaction, we will fail in having an effective conversation. Unless we put ourselves into someone’s shoes, we cannot create a harmonious interaction and the feeling of abandonment, rejection, not being heard, disappointment or frustration will repeat itself over and over again until we learn the lesson.

Remember the key word in every relationship is “relate.” That means, when power struggles come up, we need to find our place in that relationship, and find our place in “relating” to that other person. If we′re fighting or there′s a big power play going on, have we really done everything to understand their position?

That′s what relating is. Don′t fight with someone until we know where they are coming from. When we do, we are less likely to give up on them, and less likely to fight.

As in our example of the man and woman arguing about going out or staying in that night, a good start would be “Wait a second, you aren′t okay with this? I′m sorry. Let′s sit down and talk about this and figure it out together. I want to understand your position more.”

Words we never speak

When we look closely, its usually our own interpretations and expectations which is the basis of “misbehaving” reaction, because we think or feel like that the other must think and feel the same way we do. But how narrow minded and ego driven is that idea?

When we take into consideration that the other cannot look into our head and is eventually not even sitting next to us. That comes into play especially in written communication, like Emails, letters, text messages and WhatsApp.

Have you ever experienced when someone is writing a message, we answer, he reads it but no reply afterwards? And we wonder, what does that mean? Have I said something wrong? Well, it could mean several things, the other is busy, has other priorities or forgot and was just quickly reading whilst fiddling with the mobile phone in his hand. Maybe he is not feeling well or not in the mood.

We plainly don’t know until we would ask the person itself. Everything else is assuming and investigating and a waste of our precious time. So, either ask what or if something happened or just stop chasing it and take the focus and energy back on yourself. It is absolutely a rare occasion that if someone has read our text something terrible happened to him, so he could not answer unless we know someone is in a danger zone.

Often it is the act of giving space to the other to come back in his own time, not when and how we want it. Maybe something more important came in or maybe the first message was never intended to go anyway in the first place, the person just contacted us for his own ego amusement and doesn’t care about us. Maybe he or she is overwhelmed with life. Maybe he wants to take time to answer properly and not just half hearted, wouldn’t it at least worth a try to find out?

Ask yourself, am I observing the situation accurately or am I projecting how I feel what is happening?

Within taking all the consideration of the other persons perspectives, loving, and taking care of ourselves, and setting healthy boundaries is absolutely necessary. But more than often we take ourselves way too important in an ego driven world. We aim for personal happiness as this is something to gain or achieve like ticking of a bucket list and forget the world around us far too often. We think and being taught that personal happiness is the only thing that has value, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Respectful behaviour

We need to stop ignoring people who show us appreciation and who care about us. It’s a falsly conveyed conditioned trait that we don’t want what comes easy and chase what’s unavailable to us. 

Why not answer back? Why not being kind? Why not having compassion? Even when the answer is “I don’t feel like talking” or “I don’t have time right now” or “I come back later, because I don’t feel good” etc. Communicate. Connect. Whatever the answer.

What does it really cost us to give attention to each other, give genuinely credit, say thank you, tell or contact the one who crosses our mind, liking this post we seeing and enjoy reading, send a response to this text, or make this call? Being vulnerable, give or do something for someone without expecting something in return? It costs us nothing but soften our heart and overcome our ego responses. 

We assume others communicate and show love and appreciation the same way we do – and if they don’t we worry its not there. But the other person is another person because she is not us. Isn’t that beautiful? We can have many similarities and connection with certain people, nevertheless we are all unique beings and paradoxically we are all the same. 

Not everyone is a born empath, sensitive enough to understand and feel what is going on, can “read between the lines” and sense peoples true intentions or feelings and can put themselves into their situation. But what we can all do is building sympathy towards another. Re-evaluating meaningful connections is important now in our self- obsessed, attention seeking cultural bias.

The impact of the written word

Words in writing can be a very dangerous tool to spark conflict, through the way we perceive reality. We need to avoid sending important information and context via text message or WhatsApp. A simple “hello, what are you up to” can easily turn into wondering what the fluff is about, because we cannot hear the tone of voice or see the body language from the sender. Or the Email sent from our boss or colleague we perceive as mean, cold, or superior, just because no “hello, dear … how are you…” was included.

Conflict and discomfort arouses when we take things too personal and think our style of communicating is the right one.  They way to clear potential misunderstandings is to pick up the phone or discuss issues face to face. Let’s not hide behind 30 emotional loaded text messages, when a 2-minute call would have magically cleared the air and saves us nerves and time.

Complexity made simple

By no means, not everyone wants or has the ability to communicate all that way. And we cannot force anyone to change just because we like them to and demand a different version of them right now. Maybe we need to lose the strong grip on the “fixing people mentality” and accept others where they are in their journey.

So, what we can do is showing others a path how to do it. While we are being an ally or paragon, without pushing and having the same expectations for another, and don’t judge people for being different than us or where they are within their journey.

That does not mean we need to obey or hold back the truth to keep the peace between us. Set your own clear core values, have standards to communicate through how you live your life, and when someone is verbally abusing or manipulating you set boundaries of what you accept as respectful communication and what is crossing your values and communicate these when the situation requires it.

We don’t need to please people at all just to be liked. Know you did everything you could with the resources available at that time. If other people don’t treat you well, don’t resent them immediately, communicate your values, forgive them their actions, and then move on gracefully with your own life.

Communication seems so incredibly complex but can be so vastly simple once we understand the impact it has.

Do you see how everything is connected and one part of communication can be exerting separately but is highly interlinked with each other, so an effective communication can take place? It is like a network of information – a single puzzle which ends up in a frame of a big picture puzzle. Communication is the holistic roof of many different aspects which draw down to single activities and are the fundamental basis for everything else we do in life. The art of communication is the platform for changing how we treat each other through recognition, awareness, and the reflection of values.

Language of the soul

Communication does not just contain of spoken and written word clusters. It is combining the diversity of Arts through all creative senses like singing, dancing, drawing, painting, acting, playing, working, dressing, the food we eat, the gardens we plant & grow.

This is how we translate feelings and emotions which cannot be expressed through language and still feel connected to each other deeply. This is how we bond. It oscillates through its definition of beauty and aesthetic. What an artist wants to intent and the recipient receives is not necessary the same, but there is a common language on soul level.

And that is enough. That’s the moment when we hear ourselves saying “I just feel it, I know in my gut”. Within a split of a second emotion get translated effortlessly. It’s the concept of a mirror, reflecting sympathetic and even empathetic characteristics. Music crosses dimensions. Frequencies can be heard and felt as universal language. It connects hearts.

To sum it up, communication is an opportunity to effectively share our unique perspective on life. For good or bad. It is our choice. Isn’t that exciting? So, give yourself permission to express yourself which ever channel you feel is the right one for you.

We probably do not get it right all the time, its is ok, that is called the human experience, we are not perfect. But at least if each of us is taking responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions whenever we can, eventually the world becomes more harmonious, sees more true beauty and less disruptive forces.