Self-leadership and the fear of rejection

photo by Nadine Blochberger

photo by Nadine Blochberger

“If I say how I really feel, will they reject me? When I share my thoughts will they laugh about me? They probably abandon me and think I am totally crazy.” “No. No, don’t do it.” Says the voice in her mind whilst she builds up a thicker, a higher wall around her heart against such deep-seated pain to avoid her own suffering. But something bubbles up inside herself like an overheated bottle of champagne nearly to explode. She is verbally punishing herself for not been able to talk and let the outer world attend the insights to her inner world.

Statistics prove the number one fear of human beings is the fear of public speaking. Followed by fear of death. Has anyone ever questioned what that really means?

Look far back in history, a time ten thousands of years ago, where we lived in communities, men and woman had clear roles to fulfil, collectors, hunters, healers and we were dependent on our families & members for support and survival. When our clan or community would have decided to reject & abandon us for whatever reason, that meant literally death to us. Times were rough, and we were not equipped to survive by our self for too long. So, we rather stayed quiet, lived by the rules of the community and suppressed often our true voice to ensure personal survival.

Fast forward today, it seems we are still carrying this archetypical equation ‘I speak up, I go against the grain (the rules of society), I question, I want to do things differently = I’ll get rejected, abandoned which results in aloneness and ultimately death’.

But we are living in a different set up now. A social society, a far more independent world, with many communities. In case when we get rejected from someone or a group, there will always be someone else somewhere who keeps his arms open for us to embrace our authentic being.

Rejection is thus a universal human fear. And we are in the position to heal this global wound. It is about time.

The truth is, fear comes in layers. Like an onion, we peel of the layers and the scent bites us in the face and makes us cry. Again, and again.

It is not the fear of public speaking which worries us, no, that’s just a symptom, an onion peel layer of the real issue. We project a far deeper underlying fear towards the act of public speaking which creates a warm coverage to soften the real issue – underneath, the fear of rejection is the true core issue and makes us feel uncomfortable.

But when is this fear born in us? It starts in a baby.

The primordial love of a baby towards their parents is indescribably big, a yearning for love. When we cried, a cry for love & security, but it was not reciprocated (mainly from our mother) we felt rejected. Because we cannot give this love towards ourselves as kids, we need this feeling of security from someone else.

When we were yearning for love, we only received recognition when we were strong. When our tears flow after pain, we only left with words like “do not be like that” or “come on it is not that bad”. Which results in suppression of our feminine side, being emotional, caring and sensitive. And replaced with rationality, prudence & harshness – followed by closing off our hearts.

The child was treated as a little adult, not as a child. Especially in the 1960 -‘90’s through these non-actions, people thought, men were taught valour, bravery, courage & toughness. “Men do not cry, don’t coddle him!” Until today, many men think crying = weakness.

Therefore, our wound of rejection / abandonment is born from our parents we loved so deeply. This wound pulls itself like a red thread throughout our relationships in life. We closed our heart off, we are emotionally unavailable. And it repeats itself over and over again reflecting in people who do not truly touch us. These relationships might be harmonious, but deep down we miss the soul connection.  

It happens that we stagnate in these relationships our whole life long, because we kind of feel comfortable as the other person cannot come close to our inner world. They can’t hurt us, because we won’t open our hearts in front of them. They do not remind us of the primordial love towards our parents. It is a way to feel secure, hence we hold on to people and situations which are not good or even toxic for us.

When we suffer from this wound, then the likelihood is that we reject another before they reject us. Especially soul deep connections, someone who has the potential to awaken our sensitivity. Because subconsciously we are afraid to get rejected again and get hurt, like as a baby. And that can be a very subtle thing, through tone or body language in an instant. It often manifests as meanness. And we become mostly only aware until we see the reaction of the other.

Fact is, there will always someone who rejects us. But all rejection stems from a lack of self-love. We are afraid to be hurt by another, where in reality, the only one rejecting us is - ourselves. We believe that we are so inadequate and unworthy that the other ones are better off without us.

It may feel like a tension across our chest area. Ask yourself, what quality do I need to uproot this fear?

Healing starts when we are willing to face the fear of being rejected by another. It is our own responsibility to keep our heart open and to melt down the armour. When the heart softens, when we have compassion towards the person who abandoned us and forgiving ourselves for what we have made the “abandonment” mean about our own self-worth, an inexplicable joy wells up in our breast. This is gentleness. To learn the power of love through gentleness towards ourselves when we feel hurt, and therefore be gentle with others when they feel hurt or threatened.

We need acceptance first that this fear is present, then we can learn to allow ourselves to be courageous to follow our heart without the fear of rejection and let it walk behind or besides us.

People may leave us, but they never can take the love & respect we hold for ourselves, and the love we can access from our eternal connection to spirit & life itself.